From Hopkins, Headlee, Caststeel, PLLC:
“WHEREAS, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival, throughout a certain dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and
WHEREAS, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St. Nicholas would immediately and/or promptly thereafter arrive; and
WHEREAS, said offspring had become somnolent, and were occupied in nocturnal hallucinations involving visions of confectionery treats engaged in dancing or other general cavorting; and
WHEREAS, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, also had become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal and seasonal inertia of an extended period; and
WHEREAS, a distraction of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance occurring on the snowy acreage outside the dwelling unit did result in the immediate and sudden journey of the owner to a fenestration of the dwelling unit for the purpose of observation and investigation, which observation and investigation was accomplished by the actions of the tearing open of the shutters and the throwing up of the sash; and
WHEREAS, after initially observing that the moon, in full phase, on the topmost part of the new-fallen snow gave the lustre of mid-day to objects outside, the said owner of the dwelling unit then did perceive in a most unbelieving manner an extremely small vehicle generally designed for travel in snowy regions being propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions ; and
WHEREAS, a most odd rotund gentleman of quick movement and vivacious personality was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows:
“Your immediate action and co-operation is requested, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen;” and
Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional quadruped named “Rudolph” may have accompanied and assisted the other eight quadrupeds, but verification of such assertion currently is still pending.
WHEREAS, in response to the solicitations of the gentleman, the vehicle and its undetermined number of quadruped propellants flew away and brought themselves, the vehicle, the gentlemen, and a cargo of bundled items to a rest on the exterior roof surface of the dwelling unit; and
WHEREAS, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, and upon exit from the dwelling’s chimney, the owner observed the aforementioned gentleman attired in full length fur garments showing remnants of ash and soot, and accompanied by an unstructured soft-sided cloth container similar to that carried and used by an itinerant purveyor of merchandise; and
WHEREAS, the aforementioned gentleman, portly and of good cheer and with an instrument for the consumption of tobacco in his mouth, thereupon promptly proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings; and
WHEREAS, that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he gave an audible signal to the quadrupeds causing them to rapidly remove the gentleman, the vehicle, its cargo, and themselves from the locale, and
NOW, THEREFORE, BE YE ADVISED:
“that upon the aforementioned gentleman’s disappearance from view, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.:
‘Happy Christmas to All and to All a Good Night!””
